The Meat Lover’s Guide to Making It
Photo by Kris Sevinc on Unsplash
Hey. Hey you. Don’t just stand there, step into Artie’s Butcher Shop. You got somethin’ creative in mind? You wanna turn it into the “next big thing”? Well, you can’t just take any hunk of imagination and expect it to go somewhere, can ya?
Look, I been in this business a while, and lemme tell ya… most people who wanna be an artist don’t know how to trim, to edit, to slice an’ dice an’ cook their work so it’s palatable to their industry. They overdo it, they under-do it, they end up covered in carnage and throwin’ the whole thing out.
It’s okay, I’m here to guide ya through the three basic things you need to know before startin’ your meaty journey:
Cut
Temperature
Garnish
I– ah, shoot, the phone. Here, take a brochure. Yeah, we wrote it ourselves, why? ‘Scuse me, I gotta – just a minute – Artie’s Butcher Shop, whatcha want?
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Movies & Television
CUT: Sirloin
TEMPERATURE: Rare
GARNISH: None - others will want to pick out the sauce
Look, sometimes people will spend years perfecting a script, and then that script will finally be discovered and produced, and that thing becomes the “Queen’s Gambit” or the first season of “True Detective” or Get Out. And it can certainly happen that way for you.
But more often than not, movies and TV shows garner interest - and are sold - based on an idea. These studios want something fresh - not “original” per se, just untouched by the bacteria of over-editing. If this idea isn’t seeping blood, then it’s been sitting around for too long. Studios want new ideas, but they love control. They have teams of writers and directors they already like working with.
The podcast Dead Pilot Society features unproduced pilot scripts and interviews with those scripts’ writers. Frequently, the conversation goes like this:
Host: So how did this pilot come about?
Guest: Well, I was working for [very popular TV show] and we were getting close to pilot season. [Studio exec] approached me and said hey, got any ideas? So I pitched this one, and they liked it, but then [some reason it didn’t come together, usually a change in management or a casting issue].
Or take a look at any of those made-for-TV Christmas RomCom movies. Just IMDB any one of those suckers and you’re gonna find yourself going down a dark, candy cane spiral. Here’s an example: that new Lindsey Lohan movie, “Falling for Christmas.” One of the writers is Ron Oliver. Ryan Oliver has written eleven of these since 2016. ELEVEN! This man used to write kids shows like Goosebumps and Animorphs but apparently thought punching Christmas terms into the Hallmark formula was more fulfilling. Or… ya know. Lucrative.
Maybe this is changing with the popularity of streaming services. More and more, you’ll see the “Created By” and “Written By” lines have the same name. But if you’re trying to sell to the masses, expect to sell ideas. Or join a writer’s room to flesh out someone else’s.
Plays & Musicals
CUT: Filet
TEMPERATURE: Medium Well
GARNISH: Fresh rosemary and a single slice of lemon on the side
If you’re submitting your play or musical to a festival or workshop opportunity, the submission instructions might say they don’t mind if you only have a few scratchy demos or if the formatting isn’t at the Gold Standard, but… they do. We have some intel from submission sifters; and while these things aren’t dealbreakers, they certainly make an impression. It’s always a good idea to take your time with theatrical works.
Oh, and many opportunities ask for Development History! Well, you can build that up by hosting table reads where you pay your friends in pizza. More than worth it so you can hear the work out loud and polish it…
Up to a point.
While they love to see the materials thoroughly cooked through, the final product has to remain a little supple. If you’re fortunate enough to grab the attention of a commercial producer, chances are good that they’ll get excited about attaching this director, that actor, and the lighting designer they went to college with. When it comes to mounting the production, you can’t have your Avengers already assembled. The work must be fresh and polished, but the team has to rely on flexibility.
Books (Fiction)
CUT: Round
TEMPERATURE: Well-Done, cooked long and low
GARNISH: Stripe of puree with a drizzle of cream sauce and an edible flower
If an agent or an editor could receive a book ready for publishing tomorrow, that would be their preference. First-time unknown authors can’t query an agent without letting them know how many words it is - as in, present tense, not future tense. Many agents will advise that you don’t write “is complete at [x words]” because that’s redundant. You do not query your incomplete novel. If they like your first ten, twenty pages, they’ll want to read the whole thing. Now.
In some ways, this is comforting, because they want to see your complete vision without a thousand other fingers in the pot. If your manuscript isn’t for them, they’ll pass and move on instead of trying to change it to what they want to be. But this also makes it harder for you to sell your work, as it kind of has to already be what they want, whether they know it or not (and often, they know exactly what they want).
Acting
CUT: Ground Chuck
TEMPERATURE: Still bleeding
GARNISH: Don’t even salt it
Maybe you went to school for acting. Maybe you didn’t. Maybe you like to do Shakespeare. Maybe you’re more of a Neil Simon performer. Maybe you can project to the back of an amphitheater. Maybe you like voice-over work.
As lovely as it would be to really hone one specific skillset, most working actors we know have taken the “just throw stuff at the wall” route and see what sticks - which has brought a lot more success. You’re a modern dancer? You can star in my webseries. Oh, you trained for years in musical theatre? Well, we want you to film this commercial for ED. Improv training? Perfect: let’s get you in this new musical industry reading.
With a little luck and a lot of hard work, you’ll find your niche. But until then, be ready to transform into a sloppy joe one night and a bolognese the next.
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Hey, sorry about that, couldn’t get off the pho– oh, huh! You actually read the whole thing! Look kid, don’t be discouraged. This is the way things are done, but it doesn’t mean it always has to be. My advice? Surround yourself by the tastes and smells you love. Worry about the dishes later.
I know, I know. Easier said than done. You wanna do this and make money. Well, be careful. I’ve seen many business-y folks just stand around talkin’ about ingredients and then suddenly claim they get a share, a juicy cut of the meals you’ve made.
It happens.
But the most important thing? Make sure they don’t take a cut outta you.
Heh heh heh.
